We’ve put together this Frequently Asked Questions list to help answer many of the basic questions we’ve been getting from family and friends. We will continue to update this list as the questions roll in.

Why adoption? We have always discussed adoption as a way to grow our family. These conversations go back at least 6 years. Our adoption is very exciting for us! Adoption is our choice, not a last resort. And while we have experienced some fertility issues, we have chosen not to pursue treatment. We want to grow our family through adoption, which seems very natural to us. We hope that you’ll be excited for us!

Why international? We originally considered domestic adoption but decided that we were not comfortable with the lack of control on several levels: we did not want a birth mother to choose us, we wanted some degree of control over the cost and time, and we felt more comfortable with the structure of an international program. Besides, there are more children available for adoption overseas than there are at “home,” way more. (Ethiopia alone has 4.8 million orphans.) Given our history of international travel and interest in other cultures, this choice also seemed natural for us.

Why Ethiopia? We researched several countries for adoption. We ruled out most because of long wait times or ages of children (China, Columbia, Russia), high costs and/or difficulty of process (Vietnam, Guatemala, Kazakhstan), and uncertainty about the stability of the program/relations with the US (Guatemala, Haiti). Something kept drawing us back to Ethiopia and suddenly everything just “clicked.” It was a perfect fit for us in terms of availability of infants, ease of process, wait times, and cost. We know that our children are in Ethiopia; we just haven’t met them yet.

How does the Ethiopian adoption process work? You can read about Ethiopian adoption on our (international) agency’s (Children’s Home Society and Family Services, CHSFS) website, although here’s a quick summary: start gathering paperwork and complete home study with local agency (4-5 visits with social worker, CIS application, state review 1-4 months), apply to the Ethiopia program (at CHSFS), compile dossier (a lot of letters confirming health, employment, stability, etc.), wait for referral (4-9 months), accept referral, present “case” to Ethiopian government/court, adoption granted in Ethiopia, pick up child in Ethiopia (parents travel 2-4 months after referral is accepted and stay for at least 5 days).

How did you choose your agency? There were 6 agencies licensed in Ethiopia at the time we began our research (that number has since grown). Three emerged as a potential “good fit” for us. We chose to work with Children’s Home Society and Family Services (CHSFS) because: 1) all independent references (which we found from online groups and avenues other than the agency itself) were extremely positive, 2) the agency is secular (we were not comfortable working with a religious agency, especially one that had a specific faith or church-attendance “requirement”), 3) CHSFS sponsors in-country humanitarian projects to help Ethiopian families and children, 4) CHSFS has a care center with satellite stations (it does not work with orphanages), 5) the available care at those centers is excellent with very low child/caretaker ratios, 6) children of all ages are available for adoption, including very young infants (some referred at 1 month) and sibling groups, and 7) the wait times — though longer than some other agencies — seemed reasonable, and CHSFS has an established program in Ethiopia.

Will you adopt a boy or girl? What age? As new parents requesting an infant (0-12 months), CHSFS will not allow us to preference gender. We won’t know if our child is a boy or girl until we receive a referral. We are also open to twins or an older sibling (up to 3 years old) of either gender. We are not-so-secretly hoping and praying for infant twins. While we will be thrilled to be parents in general, the idea (and challenge) of the “insta-family” is exciting to us. We do not have our hopes up, however, and we will feel blessed with however God decides to grow our family.

Will your child be healthy? We are requesting a healthy infant. (After much soul searching, we determined that we were not prepared — at this time — to care for a special needs child.) We completed a medical form when we applied to the Ethiopia program indicating what medical conditions we would and would not accept. All children at CHSFS are tested for various illnesses and we will receive a medical report with test and exam results at the time we receive our referral. We will consult with an international adoption doctor before accepting our referral. As with any adoption, domestic or international, there are no guarantees. Any child could have undiagnosed illnesses. However, we feel comfortable with the level of medical care through CHSFS. Upon acceptance of referral, our child/ren are just that, ours, and each child will have a unique genetic makeup. We’re fine with that and we understand that the matter is in God’s hands; we just need to have faith that He will equip us.

Will you adopt an “AIDS baby?” No. All children are tested for HIV before being referred to an adoptive family. The results of an HIV test and the birth parent’s HIV status — if available — is disclosed at the time of referral. (While false negatives are rare, they can occur, although false positive results are more likely.) If there are questionable circumstances, we can request additional medical testing, at our expense. The US has only recently started to grant adoption visas to children who are HIV+ and many agencies will not place HIV+ children. If you’d like to learn more about HIV and adoption, I highly recommend visiting Fly Away Home, the blog of a pediatric AIDS nurse practitioner and adoptive mother.

_________________________________________________________

Some of the questions surrounding our adoption are difficult for us to hear, and even more difficult to answer. As painful as it is for us to field these (often well-intentioned but nonetheless hurtful) questions, we do value ongoing dialog and we want to help our family and friends truly understand and embrace our decision. So we’ll try to take a quick stab at some of the more common “tricky” questions. These answers are by no means complete, so please talk to us. (We also encourage you to read Adoption is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends Must Know by Patricia Irwin Johnston, which is currently being passed around both sides of the family.)

Why don’t you try fertility treatments? Having a biological child isn’t that important to us. Having a family is important to us. We feel that “real” families don’t have to be based on bloodlines. This may have something to do with the fact that both sets of our parents are divorced and Shannon, in particular, has many siblings — and parents — with and without varying degrees of blood ties. We chose not to pursue fertility treatments for a number of reasons that are very personal to us, and we don’t feel that we need to share the details. Adoption seemed to be the natural choice for us, and we hope that you’ll both respect and embrace that decision. Why this question hurts: this question assumes that adoption is somehow an inferior method to building a family. That’s simply not true.

Why don’t you adopt a child more “like” you? This question has been posed in various forms, but it always comes down to one thing: we are adopting a black child. We value and celebrate diversity and we actually look forward to being a multiracial family. We believe that “real” families don’t have look like each other, but can be various shapes, sizes, and colors. We realize that there will be ongoing challenges and we are willing to meet those challenges head-on. Dealing with transcultural issues and racism will be difficult at times, but we are moving forward with our eyes and our hearts and our minds wide open. We hope that you will join us on this journey and find a place in your heart to accept our decision even if it is hard for you to understand. If you cannot accept the beauty and joy of our new family, we will miss having you in our lives. Why this question hurts: do we really need to explain it? This question suggests that a child with darker skin will be less welcome. We think that’s shameful.

Why not leave your options open? On one hand, we are. We have both a domestic and an international contract with our Colorado agency…just in case. If a circumstance were to present itself to us, we might consider and pursue it. But we would weigh the odds carefully; it would have to be a pretty sure thing. We cannot actively pursue other options either domestically or internationally, nor do we want to. (Our hearts really are in Ethiopia, but we also realize that we need to follow God’s plan, whatever that may be.) Besides, that’s not really how adoption works (although there are always exceptions). When considering adoption, early in the process you have to decide on either a state or a country from which you would like to adopt a child. Then you have to find a agency that is licensed to do so, which usually means that the agency has a country- or state-specific program to which you apply. Then you have to commit to that agency, usually with your pocketbook and a lot of hoop-jumping, which is a big time investment. Once you get far enough along, it doesn’t make sense (financially or timewise) to jump ship, unless the program is shutting down (like Guatemala). Why this question hurts: there is an underlying assumption that our decision was either made on a “whim” (which serves to undermine the reality that we spent a considerable amount of time and effort making this decision) or that it is not the “best” choice. For us, this is the best choice.