We’ve put together this Frequently Asked Questions list to help answer many of the basic questions we received from family and friends during our adoption process.

Why adoption? We have always discussed adoption as a way to grow our family. These conversations go back at least 6 years for us as a couple. And Shannon has wanted to adopt since she was a little girl, in part because of her amazing second mom, Debbie, who embraced Shannon and her sisters as her own. The bottom line is that our adoption is very exciting for us! Adoption is our choice, not a last resort. And while we have experienced some fertility issues, we have chosen not to pursue treatment. We want to grow our family through adoption, which seems very natural to us. We hope that you’ll be excited for us!

How did you decide between International or Domestic adoption? We originally considered domestic adoption (and briefly considered foster-adoption) but, at first, were not comfortable with the lack of control on several levels and we felt more comfortable with the structure of an international program. The orphan crisis (Ethiopia alone has 4.8 million orphans) spoke to our hearts on some level. Given our history of international travel and interest in other cultures, Ethiopia also seemed natural for us. BUT, as we learned more and more about the adoption process, we actually got excited that our international agency was offering a program to potentially connect us with our child’s birth family. (Those types of programs in most foreign countries are all but extinct, I believe, due to concerns about coercion.) In other words, once we started focusing more on our child and his/her needs — and less on our own fears and worries — the more we realized how important that connection to birth family and heritage would be. Then, when the opportunity to adopt domestically literally dropped in our laps, we were prepared and excited for the possibilities of openness. (As it turns out, our son’s birth mother has chosen not to maintain contact. But that’s another story.)

Why Ethiopia? We researched several countries for adoption. Guatemala was actually our first country of consideration since we had spent time there (it’s where Shannon had planned her dissertation), but uncertainty about program stability coupled with high program fees and stories from other families of outright hostility towards adoptive families steered us away. We looked at a few other countries, but deterring factors — for us — included high costs and/or difficulty of process (Vietnam, Kazakhstan), long wait times and older kids (China, Columbia, Russia, Haiti). Something kept drawing us back to Ethiopia and suddenly everything just “clicked.” It was a perfect fit for us — we thought — in terms of ease of process, wait times, receptivity of international adoption, and cost. Little did we know…

How does the Ethiopian adoption process work? You can read about Ethiopian adoption at the Children’s Home Society and Family Services’ (CHSFS) website, although here’s a quick summary: start gathering paperwork and complete home study with local agency (4-5 visits with social worker, CIS application, state review 1-4 months), apply to the Ethiopia program (at CHSFS), compile dossier (a lot of letters confirming health, employment, stability, etc.), wait for referral (4-9 months at the time; the wait is much longer now), accept referral, present “case” to Ethiopian government/court, adoption granted in Ethiopia, pick up child in Ethiopia (parents travel 2-4 months after referral is accepted and stay for at least 5 days). This may have changed over the years, and most agencies outline this to some degree.

How did you choose your agency? There were 6 agencies licensed in Ethiopia at the time we began our research (that number has since grown a lot). Three emerged as a potential “good fit” for us. We chose to work with Children’s Home Society and Family Services (CHSFS) because: 1) all independent references (which we found from online groups and avenues other than the agency itself) were extremely positive, 2) the agency is secular (we were not comfortable working with a religious agency, especially one that had a specific faith or church-attendance “requirement”), 3) CHSFS sponsors in-country humanitarian projects to help Ethiopian families and children, 4) CHSFS has a care center with satellite stations (it does not work with orphanages), 5) the available care at those centers is excellent with very low child/caretaker ratios, 6) children of all ages are available for adoption, including very young infants (some referred at 1 month) and sibling groups, and 7) the wait times — though longer than some other agencies — seemed reasonable, and 8) CHSFS has an established program in Ethiopia.

Will you adopt a boy or girl? What age? CHSFS did not allow new parents seeking an infant (0-12 months) adoption with no other children in the home to preference gender. We wouldn’t have know if our child was a boy or girl until we received a referral. We were also open to twins or an older sibling (up to 3 years old) of either gender. We were not-so-secretly hoping and praying for infant twins. While we were thrilled to be parents in general, the idea (and challenge) of the “insta-family” was exciting to us. Little did we know that the our one son adopted right here in the US would be enough of a handful for us!

Will your child be healthy? We were requesting a healthy infant through Ethiopia. (After much soul searching, we determined that we were not prepared — at this time — to care for a special needs child.) We completed a medical form when we applied to the Ethiopia program indicating what medical conditions we would and would not accept. All children at CHSFS are tested for various illnesses and we would have received a medical report with test and exam results at the time we received our referral. We would have had the opportunity to consult with an international adoption doctor before accepting our referral. As with any adoption, domestic or international, there are no guarantees. Any child could have undiagnosed illnesses. However, we felt comfortable with the level of medical care through CHSFS. Our child/ren would be just that, ours, and we understood that each child has a unique genetic makeup. We were fine with that. As it turned out, we ended up adopting a healthy baby boy right here in the U.S.

Will you adopt an “AIDS baby?” No. All children are tested for HIV before being referred to an adoptive family. The results of an HIV test and the birth parent’s HIV status — if available — is disclosed at the time of referral. (While false negatives are rare, they can occur, although false positive results are more likely.) If there are questionable circumstances, we could have requested additional medical testing, at our expense. The US had only recently started to grant adoption visas to children who are HIV+ and many agencies would not place HIV+ children. If you’d like to learn more about HIV and adoption, I highly recommend visiting Fly Away Home, the blog of a pediatric AIDS nurse practitioner and adoptive mother.

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Some of the questions surrounding our adoption have been difficult for us to hear, and even more difficult to answer. As painful as it is for us to field these (often well-intentioned but nonetheless hurtful) questions, we do value ongoing dialog and we want to help our family and friends truly understand and embrace our decision. So we’ll try to take a quick stab at some of the more common “tricky” questions. These answers are by no means complete, so please talk to us. (We also encourage you to read Adoption is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends Must Know by Patricia Irwin Johnston, which is currently being passed around both sides of the family.)

Why don’t you try fertility treatments? Having a biological child isn’t that important to us. Having a family is important to us. Real families don’t have to be based on bloodlines. This may have something to do with the fact that both sets of our parents are divorced and Shannon, in particular, has many siblings — and parents and grandparents — with and without varying degrees of blood ties. We chose not to pursue fertility treatments for a number of reasons that are very personal to us, and we don’t feel that we need to share the details. Adoption seemed to be the natural choice for us, and we hope that you’ll both respect and embrace that decision.

Why this question hurts: this question assumes that adoption is somehow an inferior method to building a family. That’s simply not true.

Why don’t you adopt a child more “like” you? This question has been posed in various forms, but it always comes down to one thing: we are adopting a black child. We value and celebrate diversity and we actually look forward to being a transracial family. We believe that “real” families don’t have look like each other, but can be various shapes, sizes, and colors. We realize that there will be ongoing challenges and we are willing to meet those challenges head-on. Dealing with transcultural issues and racism will be difficult at times, but we are moving forward with our eyes, our hearts, and our minds wide open. We hope that you will join us on this journey and find a place in your heart to accept our decision even if it is hard for you to understand. If you cannot accept the beauty and joy of our new family, we will miss having you in our lives.

Why this question hurts: do we really need to explain it? This question suggests that a child with darker skin will be less welcome. We think that’s shameful.

Why not leave your options open? On one hand, we did. We had both a domestic and an international contract with our Colorado agency…just in case. As it turned out, when we were pretty far along the International adoption route, a situation presented itself to us, and after much hesitation and consideration, we chose to pursue it. We actually weighed the odds carefully. We could not legally, actively pursue other options either domestically or internationally, nor did we want to. (Our hearts really were in Ethiopia, until God’s plan redirected us to Oklahoma.)

Besides, and this is important, that’s not really how adoption works (as it turns out, our experience was an exception to the norm). When considering adoption, early in the process you have to decide on either a state or a country from which you would like to adopt a child. Then you have to find a agency that is licensed to do so, which usually means that the agency has a country- or state-specific program to which you apply. Then you have to commit to that agency, usually with your pocketbook and a lot of hoop-jumping, which is a big time investment. Once you get far enough along, it doesn’t make sense (financially or timewise) to jump ship, unless the program is shutting down (like Guatemala).

Why this question hurts: there is an underlying assumption that our decision was either made on a “whim” (which serves to undermine the reality that we spent a considerable amount of time and effort making this decision) or that it is not the “best” choice. For us, this is the best choice.