This is a version of the {How to Help} page we originally included on our family blog. Though much of it is outdated for our personal benefit, many visitors have requested to use or reprint this information. Thus, we’re keeping this page available (and occasionally updated) with the hope that this information will assist other families on their adoption journey. Please feel free to link to this page with credits to Shannon Lawrence. Thank you and enjoy.

[update: A note to our sponsors.]

When we started researching ways to pay for our adoption expenses — and all of the nickel-and-dime fees that seem to inflate the cost (our expected costs actually doubled) — we were simultaneously shocked, pleased, and saddened by the fact that we already practiced most money-saving tips offered by others. We were also determined to find creative avenues to pinch even more pennies. So, with the help of several authors and seasoned adoptive parents, we came up with this list of creative ideas.

Honestly, we were pretty uncomfortable asking for money, so our primary objective was to help others find ways to contribute that didn’t always require cash. We also soon realized that the support we needed wasn’t just financial. Thus, the information below covers concepts of both fundraising and what basically boils down to good old-fashioned community support.

Introduction

As the first among friends and family choosing to build our family through adoption, we felt as though our support network needed some guidance. We provided an introductory statement similar to this one on our {How to Help} page:

Why should you help? While this is a question that each person needs to answer for themselves, there are innumerable ways to show your support for an adoptive family.  Yes, all families have to consider the cost of bringing another child into their lives, but adoption fees can be steep (usually anywhere from $15,000 – $50,000) — and while arguably comparable to hospital fees, they are virtually never covered by insurance. As a result, many adoptive families go into serious debt in order to grow their families. But it’s not just about the expense.  Here are some things you can do to help adoptive parents make ends meet and keep their sanity:

PREPARE YOURSELF
Do your best to educate yourself about adoption so that you can support the adoptive parents as they embark on this (often tumultuous) journey. We recommend starting with a book that quickly and concisely explains adoption. We referred friends and family to this book: Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know.

DONATE DOUGH
This is an expensive venture and few adoptive families have the funds to cover all of the costs even after going into some serious debt. While giving a cash donation directly to an adoptive family isn’t a charitable deduction for tax purposes, most immediate family members can gift up to $11,000 per year tax-free. (Note: Some agencies have a charitable fund set up to accept donations from family or friends, so that giving is tax-deductible. Check with your agency to see if they offer this service.) Even small amounts are much appreciated. If you feel compelled to give in this way, the adoptive family would be most grateful even well after the adoption is over. (With the exception of some state and non-profit funding for families who adopt from the child welfare system–or some incredible benefits/insurance coverage–many post-adoption services are pricey too. And trust me, they’re much-needed services that include everything from culture camps to various forms of therapy.)

Click here to contribute $5, $10, or any amount you choose to Dan and Shannon’s adoption. [This link is still active.]

A note to adoptive parents: check with your employer about adoption benefits. Though rare, some employers offer leave (paid or unpaid) or will contribute to adoption costs (usually through reimbursement) because they can also get a tax credit. The amount may be a few hundred to several thousands of dollars. One friend of mine mentioned that a previous employer offered $10,000 in assistance for adoptive parents. Wowsers. Now that’s a chunk of change! Click here to view a list of employers who offer adoption bennies, although I recommend double-checking with your HR department since programs can change year to year.

OFFER A LOW-FEE (OR NO-FEE) LOAN
For most adoptive families, a one-, two-, or even a five-year no-interest loan would be an immense help. While the adoption process and fee schedule is often spread out over time, there’s almost always a “balloon payment” at some point, usually towards the middle of the process, but often before the referral. (For instance, about 3-4 months into the process for an International adoption, we would have had to come up with about $15,000 in fees. In reality, since we had a sudden shift in plans, we had to pay a little more than this in fees, plus unexpected travel costs, exactly 4 months into the process.)

A note to adoptive parents: Click here to find resources for grants and loans. Also, many adoptive parents will qualify for the adoption tax credit (which is applied after all expenses are paid, and often after adoption is finalized. In our case, our 2007 adoption costs weren’t applied until 2009, long story). The credit can be carried over for up to five years. More recently, the IRS changed the rules so that this credit was applied as a refund regardless of your expenses. There are, however, several restrictions. Check with your tax advisor or the IRS website for details.

PARTICIPATE IN FUNDRAISERS
There are any number of ways to support adoptive families by helping them raise funds. Check out some of these options:

INK JET RECYCLING – Collect used printer ink cartridges from friends, family, and/or local businesses and schools. The program is free for everyone and it’s a great way to be green and help out the adoptive family! Most programs (like this one) provide free collection boxes and pre-paid labels/mailing supplies and collectors can earn a small amount for each cartridge mailed in. The super groovy thing about this program is that even non-earning cartridges get recycled and stay out of the landfill. 

CELL PHONE RECYCLING – Collect used late model cell phones from friends, family, and/or local businesses/schools. This is similar to the Ink Jet recycling program with free mailers, etc. Some inkjet recyclers also recycle cell phones and vice versa.

SALES FUNDRAISERS – Adoptive parents might try to raise funds by selling goods. Often these fundraisers are similar to those you might find in schools: popcorn, candy, or small goods. Some adoptive parents may even try to coordinate a fundraiser that also raises awareness (for international adoptions, this often involves free-trade goods that benefit craftspeople or co-ops in other countries). We are currently investigating options to sell fair-trade Ethiopian coffee. Stay tuned!

PATRONIZE THE ADOPTIVE FAMILY’S (SIDE) BUSINESS – Does either adoptive parent have a business (e.g., Pampered Chef, Creative Memories, or even the dreaded Amway)? Hey, you’ve got to buy gifts for birthdays and holidays anyhow, so why not kill two birds with one stone and stock up early? Or, offer to make introductions that would help them get side jobs on evenings or weekends if one or both parents have a specialized skill. [Update: I recently discovered the amazing Katie Bradley of Mossy Rock Designs and her beautiful art. She's done some fabulous watercolor paintings, including several depicting our family. Her prices are reasonable and her fees will help her bring home her daughter from Ethiopia.]

BUY NEW SHOES! – Seriously, keep on shopping, but with a slight twist. There are several programs that do this in different ways. For instance, sign up with any of the online rebate companies, like ebates — or for a fee-free cash-back credit card, like Discover (if you don’t already have one) — and pass along the rebate check to the adoptive family.

[Update: Now that the legalities are all complete, we have set up a 529 college savings account for our son (we chose Colorado’s CollegeInvest Direct Portfolio program) and linked it through Upromise, which is a GREAT program for saving money for college (you don’t need the 529, but it’s a nice option to be able to link them). I can’t say enough great things about Upromise; you’ll just have to check it out for yourselves. For those who want to support Joe’s future, the easiest way to do that is to shop at your favorite stores by clicking through this link. It doesn’t cost you a cent and you can still use all the coupons and discounts you normally would, but using this link may give you access to extra discounts too. And it will definitely help Joe. If you’d like to donate directly to Joe’s 529 or sign up as a Friend or Family connection at Upromise (free, doesn’t cost you anything; you just register and a portion of what you normally spend eating out, shopping online, buying groceries, etc. goes to Joe’s college savings), contact Shannon for details.

COLLECT ON THE FAMILY’S BEHALF – If you really want to help out an adoptive family, do a fundraiser on their behalf. Either choose to take the lead on one of their established fundraisers or start one on your own: sell candy bars or cookie dough or something you make yourself, ask local merchants to contribute items that you can sell for profit, host a car wash, have a garage sale, sponsor a golf tournament, rally a local community group or classroom to fundraise on the family’s behalf… You can actually raise some pretty decent money doing this and, believe me, it takes a huge stress off of the adoptive family.

GIVE IN KIND
Another way to help is giving in-kind gifts or your time. This won’t always help with the adoption fees, but it might free up the adoptive parents’ budget or time, which is sometimes even more valuable. Here are a few examples:

THINGS THAT WOULD HELP AT ANY POINT IN THE ADOPTION PROCESS

  • Books to build a good library. See, for example, our wishlists for books on African/African-American history, adoption, and Ethiopia.
  • Help with non-adoption-related stuff – Though adoptive parents can get tunnel vision about the adoption, many still have other everyday tasks piling up. Some parents might need help with household repairs, yard work, or other tasks. If you have a specialized skill — or even specialized equipment– that you could donate or loan out, please do!
  • Babysit - For adoptive families who already have kids, this could be a huge help, especially when stress levels are high and parents just need a break. Keep it gratis or do it in trade.
  • Pass along savings – found a great coupon for something (free!) that you probably won’t use? Everything from free food to free entertainment would be appreciated, so pass it along. Most likely, the adoptive parents are already clipping coupons, but every little bit extra helps.
  • Pass along your hand-me-downs – the adoptive family has probably given up what most people consider “basics,” not huge indulgences, but the little extras that spice up day-to-day existence: magazines, video subscriptions, new clothes (new anything!), going to the movies, theatre, or museum. Don’t hesitate to offer, especially if you’re ready to toss it out or give it away anyhow. If you know the sex and/or age of the expected child, kid’s clothing would also be appreciated!
  • Be a workout buddy, especially for the adoptive mother. Pregnant moms-to-be naturally adapt to carrying heavy loads over a 9-month period. And they continue to develop their carrying muscles as children grow from teeny tiny newborns to larger kiddos. Adoptive mothers, on the other hand, don’t have mother nature forcing their bodies into shape and often find themselves pulling muscles or seriously injuring their backs shortly after placement (especially when they adopt older, and often heavier, kiddos). You can help by scheduling workout dates with one or both parents (don’t expect them to invite you…despite knowing better, this might land low on their priority lists). Yoga, strength training, swimming, or outdoor activities like walking around the block are great. Invite the adoptive parent(s) to join you at the gym, especially if you have guest passes (gym memberships might be one of those budget cutbacks). Or, if fitness is your area of expertise, offer regular “classes” or develop a customized health plan for the adoptive parents.
  • Indulgences – adoptive families have most likely given up most of life’s little luxuries. Pamper adoptive parent(s) with little treats like lunch/coffee/dessert or even a day at the spa. Or, send small gift cards (for coffee, snacks, movies). It might save their sanity!
  • Send a care package or a thoughtful note – A box (of homemade cookies or low-fat snacks!, or a great movie and some candy, or even basic necessities for everyday living, like toothpaste or paper towels) is always welcome. Or, send a note of encouragement for the stressed-out couple. It’s a nice gesture that might just make their day.
  • Schedule a date to get together and get their minds off of the adoption. Try to keep the conversation off kids.
  • Pray, if you’re so inclined. It’s not all about the money. Pray for a trouble-free and speedy process, safe travels, and healthy children who can be quickly united with their adoptive parents. If you don’t pray, be positive and encouraging to the (potentially stressed and/or discouraged) waiting parents.
  • Ask if there is anything you can do (if you’re willing), then do it.

THINGS TO HELP WITH TRAVEL

  • Donate miles/points/rewards from your frequent flier or frequent stay programs: free hotel stays, plane tickets, or upgrades. (And don’t think that those upgrades are a luxury! Traveling 18 hours on a plane with two tired and terrified children, not to mention tired and terrified parents who don’t fit well in those coach seats, isn’t easy.) Chances are that the adoptive family is going to incur a huge travel expense, so this is an area where you can make a big impact on their bottom line. (With airfare at $2,000 roundtrip per person on average, travel costs to Ethiopia, for instance, add up to $5,000 – $7,000 or more for the low-budget options. As it turned out, we still spent over $1500 on travel domestically, and we didn’t buy airfare.) There are several ways to help:
      • Redeem your own miles for the reward. This option gets the most “bang for the buck” whether you or the adoptive parents pay for the (minimal) service fees.
      • Transfer your own miles to the recipient’s mileage account(s). There is usually a per-mile cost plus a small transfer fee. This is a good option if you don’t have enough miles to redeem a reward, or if the adoptive parent are short by  several thousand miles.
      • Purchase miles for the adoptive parent(s). This is a bit more costly and is really most useful only if the adoptive parent is short by a few thousand miles for a reward ticket. If you’re willing to spend this much, you may want to consider giving cash instead.
  • Be a “friend” for refer-a-friend programs.The adoptive parents might belong to various incentive programs, such as frequent flyer, frequent stay, and other rewards programs. Often these programs have referral bonuses of free miles or points when friends sign up. Since most programs don’t cost you anything, both parties (you and the adoptive parents) benefit. Heck, it’s kind of silly not to sign up, especially when there are good bonus offers and no fees. Make sure you sign up through a referral program if possible to give the adoptive family credit. Just make sure you read the fine print. (Note: credit cards, banks, and several online programs offer these types of incentives.)Shannon’s tip: put every purchase, no matter how small, on your credit card, then pay off the balance each month.
  • Collect “points” to help the adoptive parents earn free things. Once baby was home, we also started collecting Pampers and Huggies points, which are found inside most diaper and related items. If you don’t bother with the points, please save them for us! Baby Joseph can earn all kinds of fun prizes, like books and toys. We also still collect Disney Movie Rewards codes.
  • Send a care package for the parents, the baby, or the orphanage — or all three! Ask adoptive parents what they need. Chances are they’ll have a long list of over-the-counter medicines and baby/travel necessities that will add up fast. Most adoptive families traveling overseas are also asked to bring donations for the orphanage or care center, but there are often specific needs, so ask first. Contribute as much as you can. Those little guys need everything they can get.
  • Give (or loan) good-quality audio-visual equipment, or offer to be a personal photographer during travel. Parents will want to capture the entire experience for their children’s Life Books, but if they don’t already own this equipment or have a volunteer photographer, most likely they won’t be able to afford it once they’re well into the process (and debt). Another alternative is to hire a professional photographer in-country to accompany the adoptive parents while meeting their child/ren for the first time. This might not be as expensive as you think, but do make sure you’re getting what you expect before you shell out any cash.

THINGS TO HELP PREPARE FOR BABY

  • Help the adoptive parents find good deals - one indispensable read is Baby Bargains by Denise and Alan Fields. While this book can be checked out from most local libraries, it’s worth the small investment (and the authors even offer a money-back guarantee). Note: make sure you get the most recent edition as it is updated frequently.
  • Help prepare the nursery - set a date to help with painting, wallpaper, furniture assembly or other decorating side-jobs.
  • Host a baby shower for the expectant parents (adoptive parents are expecting and should be treated the same as pregnant parents).
  • Choose a gift from their baby registry.
  • Send a book. Kiddos of all ages love stories.
  • Donate your hand-me-downs, especially for first-time parents. Don’t hesitate to ask what they need or offer your gently used stuff. It may be double-trouble for some people who are hoping for twins or siblings. Note: most safety experts shake a stern finger at certain hand-me-downs like cribs and car seats, even from known entities like friends and family. If adoptive parents — especially nervous first-time parents — politely decline these items, understand that they may be diligently following suggested advice and you should take no offense.
  • Offer to run errands - the “O” factor (overwhelm) can drag anyone down. If you don’t mind pitching in, then there’s a lot you could do: interview potential nannies, pick up something at the store, go to the post office…whatever might help the adoptive family. For a more coordinated approach, schedule a time once a (week/month?) to run errands during specific hours. You’ll probably get a list of to-dos!

THINGS THAT WILL HELP AFTER BABY ARRIVES

  • A stocked fridge. Make arrangements to stuff the adoptive family’s fridge and cabinets full of healthful goodies while they’re traveling. Or, ship a care package to arrive on their doorstep shortly after they arrive home (if you’re not local, order from an online food/grocery store). Prepared or easy-to-prepare meals are especially welcome. Don’t forget soft solids or formula for the little one(s).
  • Food on the table. Whether new or seasoned parents, they probably won’t have the time or energy to cook after a long return trip. Make arrangements to have someone deliver a meal each day of the first week or two that they’re home, or even longer. Gift cards to nearby restaurants will be more than welcome for families who adopt healthy infants, but older children or sick kiddos may not do well going out, so make sure the restaurants have a take-out or delivery option if possible.
  • A stocked nursery. While you’re stocking the fridge, make sure that there are sufficient diapers, wipes, and basic medicines (electrolytes, diarrhea medication, and OTC pain killers) in the house. Also be sure that the nursery/kids’ room has clean sheets and a set-up crib/bed. There’s a darned good chance, especially for international adoptive parents, that both baby and parents will come back feeling ill — either from food/water bugs, a cold/flu, or just sheer exhaustion from travel. They will all want to collapse and not having to prep anything before they do will be a Godsend.
  • A clean house. Coordinate with other friends and family to tidy the house before they get home. If possible, organize a group to descend on the house (with advance warning) a couple of weeks after parents are home. They’ll think you’re the greatest! Or, even the occasional clean-up would save mom’s sanity.
  • Other help. Parents traveling back from some international destinations may bring back more than their children. Giardia and other types of food- and water-borne illnesses are typical and can result in loss of sleep and nutrition, and ultimately add extra stress. Though it’s a crucial bonding time for parents and children and visitors are often discouraged, if parents are particularly sick, they may need a helping hand to care for their children.
  • Coupons! Don’t throw away those coupons from the Sunday paper that you won’t use. Instead, cut out baby-related coupons and surprise the new parents with coupons for diapers, bottles, binkies, formula, shampoo, lotions, you name it! You’d be surprised how much parents can save using coupons. There are frequently coupons for $1 (or more!) off diapers and other necessities. Send store coupons too since many stores will accept both store and manufacturer’s coupons for the same product. Shannon’s grandma sent us some coupons for $5 off Target with a minimum Pampers purchase. When we added in manufacturer’s coupons (and got lucky because Pampers were on sale), we saved a bundle. But baby goes through diapers like there’s no tomorrow, so an unending supply of coupons would be a welcome and appreciated gift!
  • Space and understanding. Adoptive parents (and siblings) often need a special time to bond with their children (of any age, including newborns). This is not a quick or an easy process and many adoptive families will go into “quarantine” in which they mainly stay at home and ask friends and family to hold off with visits for up to 6 months. Adoptive families will usually avoid outings with large group, and this often includes church activities/services. Regardless of whether a family goes into quarantine, understand that attachment specialists will recommend that folks other than immediate family members (mom, dad, siblings) avoid touching or holding the adoptive children too much (if at all). Though these may seem like extreme measures, adoptive parents are simply trying to ensure the best possible transition for their new family and your understanding and support will help them during this often difficult time.